transformations

On the top is a picture of me from January 2015, and the bottom is me a few you weeks ago. Though I've always felt I was successfully avoiding it, I've lived my life plagued with today-is-the-day-you-become-yourself syndrome, which is to say I've always felt that I have finally stopped changing. When I started a blog again in the beginning of 2015, I thought I knew what I wanted- an outlet for photography and fashion, a place to be low-fi and tacky in a fashionable way. That blog, however, only lasted a few months, and gained maybe 3 followers.

Usually, starting a new blog, I would continue this post with the realizations I've had since then, but that's not the point of this post. This post is more documentation than analysis. This past year or so has brought drastic changes to every aspect of my life, but even though I've been growing up, that doesn't mean I've grown up entirely. I used to be scared of changing who I am, but now I'm even more scared of not changing. I've had to deal with many difficult things, both of the uniquely-rough-suffering sort and the every day sort, and the first has not neccessarily been too much harder than the second. On a side note, this is one of the reasons why I believe that common problems shouldn't be dismissed because other people have it worse. I've certainly had it worse than many, but I've been at times most destroyed by aspects of adolescence that everyone goes through, and been afraid of voicing how much they've hurt me, because I would be told that I should try dealing with some real problems. Everyone who is living a life is living at maximum occupation- everyone's plate is full. Returning to my point, I am terrified at times to realize that it is true that no part of my personality is entirely seperate from the self that I have created for survival. I'm terrified to think that I may not have been the person that I am trying to love if not for some of the worst things that have happened to me, that I might change and forget as soon as I leave my present situation. But I am also, perhaps even more, scared to think that my potential may have been hindered by my nurture, and that it may never return- if I have bloomed to such a degree despite dealing with the stuff I've dealt with, who could I have been if I'd been supported more? So I am beyond scared, too, that I will not change as a person after I leave the life I've had so far, because I know that it's slowed some parts of my development and I am capable of being better.

That said, there is a line that needs to be drawn, where I'm not willing to blame any negative aspects of myself on my upbringing or my mental illness. It is true that sometimes holding myself to the standard of others who may come from more priveledged backgrounds or not be mental ill as I am can be more damaging than helpful, but I also can't know who is going through what, and, while, at the end of the day, comparison is unhelpful as a whole, I still cannot tell myself that I'm fine with being less successful than others because a lesser level of accomplishment is a grander acheivement for me. I will, instead, continue to fight for my place in this world and when I break free, I will be unstoppable. I know that not everyone can afford to feel this way, and I do not shame those who feel that they must live slower because living is harder- hell, I've been there, and I'll be there again, because the person that I am right now isn't neccessarily the person I'll be forever. And, of course, many people have it much harder than me- my situation is temporary, and, as a middle-class white American, I definitely am not the sole voice of struggle, no matter how hard and valid my struggles have been.

Look, a year is a relatively short amount of time. In some ways, entire years can feel like they never even passed, and 2014 doesn't seem long ago at all. And yet, my entire life has been flipped over many times, and I know it will continue to be. And yes, some of the most beautiful parts of me were forged as methods of coping, and some of my resilience has come from pain. But what hasn't killed me has certainly made me weaker as well, and I have to live with that. And like most, I have to work through these things while equally occupied with "lesser" questions of my identity, while devoting myself to school work, while dealing with questions of romance and loneliness, while finding myself as a person.

So welcome. This is a fashion blog, a photography blog, an art blog. But it is also mine for my personal growth and reflection, which is why I'm not really going to focusing on gaining readers at this point in time. Things are connected, for me. The growth of my love of witchy aesthetics, of my personal belief in my own powers, is inseperable from my own attempts at healing, at becoming a better person, and is inseperable from my overall critical view of the universe, inseperable from my fascination with all there is. So if you want mediocre fashion and long essays about its connection to my place in the universe, you've found the right place. Otherwise, move along. I'll keep writing anyway.

Love always,
Lemon